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By Sanjib Mukherjee,
At one point in our livetime, every single one of us will fall madly and deeply in love with another person. Whether the experience be labelled a teenage crush, an innocent infatuation, a soul mate union or even forbidden lust, no-one escapes the arrows of cupids aim whilst gracing this earth. Falling in love can be one of the beautiful experiences we will ever have.
The feelings unacquainted happiness, enthusiastic child-like joy and renewed passion for living life, can all be felt in abundance, leaving us content with having found our own sense of heaven on earth. So why is this same happiness experienced during love also the cause of so much misery and sadness in one’s life as well
Most cases of depression and suicides are rooted in situations where a person has fallen in love (over 50% of love marriages in the west end up in divorce). A multi-billion dollar industry has been created via psychiatrists, self help books, relationship guides, mentors, coaches etc to help people understand what happens during love, yet no one has been able to really been able to understand why falling in love can be so painful… no one except the ancient gurus who as always have documented everything in the ancient texts.
The mind-body complex is made up of a variety of layers including the body, mind, intellect and ego. The ego is our most subtle layer and is the final step before reaching what the yogis call our Atman (universal divine soul within us all). Overcoming the ego is in essence the overriding goal of all spiritual quests. The ego is what gives us an individuals a sense of identity. At this moment in time, my ego is telling me that is it me who is writing this article, whilst your ego is telling you, that you are reading the same post. Ego differentiates from one being to another, and its a natural tendency of the mind to attach itself to ones ego.
Ego is not present at birth, it only manifests in a baby after around 18 months or so, when we start to develop our own personal characteristics. Our whole childhood and adolescence is rooted in ego through education and environment. We become separated from one another at a young age through name, gender, height, academic abilities, talents, race, colour, behaviour etc.. and learn to identify ourselves through the identities created for us. We can go through our entire lives establishing our sense of individuality through the ego and not question any other form of existence.
Ego is firmly rooted in the concepts we have in our minds, however love bypasses the mind and is manifested in the heart. Love cannot bear separation and continuously yearns to be united with the target if its affection. Think back to when you were in love; even the moments where you beloved was sitting right next to you, did they not still seem so far away? We want to posses what we love and submerge totally in another’s thoughts and feelings. In love we totally loose ourselves, our sense or identity and sense of purpose and can spend our whole time thinking, feeling, pondering and fantasising about our partner.
Love creates compassion and unity with another being, ego craves for individuality and a sense of separation from the rest of the world. Here lies the root of relationship conflicts and why falling in love can cause us so much inner turmoil and pain. Ego and love cannot exist together in complete harmony, sure there may be a compromise from both sides and an uneasy marriage of the two components, but ultimately their differences are too vast to ensure any lasting union.
When a relationship breaks up, many times we blame the “other” person for all the problems we faced and fall into despair when they cannot reciprocate the way we want them to love us. Our hearts dictate that our partner should think, feel, speak, love and honour exactly the way we want….our partner is expected to be in total tune with our own thoughts. Ego on the other hand can only exist when it becomes rooted in a sense of individuality. Ego determines, “I think, speak, feel, love etc” for myself and no one else. This constant battle between these two internal facets, ultimately what can wear us down and turn the beautiful experience of love into a painful and miserable experience.
The way to come out of such feelings is simply to raise your own awareness of who you really are. By going beyond your own ego, you will realise you are so much more than the individual labels society has given you. We are all part of a divine subconsciousness where everything belongs to everyone. The same way your left eye does not get jealous of your right eye, your love for another being will never get distorted if you feel a strong sense of belonginess to this entire creation. If the whole cosmos belongs to you, then surely your lover also is a part of you too.
If your lover is already a part of you, how could you ever feel hurt or pain with whatever he or she does? Whether your lover reciprocates your feelings, or whether they reject your advances, it really does not matter. Its our very own sense of identity and expectations which causes our own misery. Vivekananda once wrote “there is not a single blow we receive in this world, which we have not brought upon about ourselves”. The statement is highly controversial for most people, but he is speaking from an extremely elevated perspective where he is referring to how our lack of awareness of our true infinite nature is the only cause of any problems we face in this world.
Not everybody will comprehend this article, as we are now going beyond the scope of rationale thinking, and entering the realms of yogic knowledge. Yoga is a combination of experiencing life and uncovering deep rooted knowledge within. Falling in love is perhaps one of the most life defining moments any of us will ever have, yet so little is understood about what really happens during the whole process. When falling in love, pain is inevitable but prolonged misery can be optional, simply by studying the essence of who and what we really are. Yoga goes a long way towards guiding us to how our minds work, and how we can overcome any mental or emotional problems we may face along the way.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… Swami anupanand…
its hardly love these days.. its all more virtual/shortlived … times have changed n so have the importance of feelings like love etc .. Expectations…. in short its a fast world… Secondly, without pain one does not know what is happiness… both different na…. hhhmmm
If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater…
Yeh Neha, pain is a part of love…both different sides of the same coin. As Pashmeena pointed out, most people who think they arel in love today hardly know what love means. The yogis never spoke about denying pain or love, but expained why certain things happen, and how to move beyond them if you ever get stuck…something which happens to us all from time to time…
Because it’s associated with the fear of the rejection and failure and because it requires the courage to BOTH: give and take. Most people have problems with one or the other, hence: hurt, misunderstanding, confusion…Hard task but well worth trying as everything precious in life!
Life laughs at you when you are unhappy. Life smiles at you when you are happy. But life salutes you when you make others happy…. good work dear, god bless you, keep it up.
well these article are amazing I liked it Sanjib as if I am open to the world more dear,
thanks yaar
@Agnieszka: so true to core
Love cannot be associated with pain, because love is unconditational, it is giving in without any expectations, it becomes painful when one has certain expectations from the other that is when one is disappointed hence is hurt. Love is the purest & the most beautiful emotion
)
As Sanjib rightly said “Yoga goes a long way towards guiding us to how our minds work, and how we can overcome any mental or emotional problems we may face along the way”.
If somebody feels love is painful, then follow the path of Yoga and You will find LOVE IS BLISS
Love and pain go side by side. where there is love there is pain.In love everything is taken for granted , expectations arr high and there starts misunderstanding, disappointments and pain.
Love and Ego can never co-exist! So true. The cupid knocks the door and enters into your life again and again only when it does not sense any ‘Ego’ close to you. The pain and the misery love brings is unavoidable. Yet it’s the most beautiful experience in itself. The various forms of love fulfills you to the core and leaves you blissful and yet again can be the cause of all the miseries in your life. I believe if one learns to balance his/her side of the story well by uncovering the deep-rooted knowledge through yoga/knowledge , the other side of the story automatically gets in sync. So just be truly, deeply and madly in love with every being and every thing! Pain prevails….! but one can’t stop loving with the fear of pain….
“When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.” -Coelho
our first experience of love is of the pain during the birth after which we feel the warmth of the mother’s arms. One of the reasons why there is so much pain associated with love. When in love without knowledge can lean to suffering but love filled with knowledge turns into bliss and where there is bliss there is no place for pain or suffering- as said by Gurudev in love is pure consciousness.
“Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.” -Coelho
Great article! Definately, made me reflect and reminded me of Paulo Coelho’s words from “11 minutes.” =)
look I don#t know what you all are talking about….I just know of one love, … fact that without saying anything she just looks at my face and she can tell something is wrong….she is strict yet lovable…..she is always there…when I look for something I cant find it she always finds it for me.,,,,if I need halp with anything form emotional anger or something… See More like that to maybe helping me out when I am pissed…she dosent vind me…infact she sets me free…..no possesivness thats my mom…..I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HER…..I NEED HER
Hi Naman, yes without any doubt a mothers love is always there for everyone..but what we are speaking about here is love of a romantic nature within a couple. The women who have written here, have shared and written so beautifully…sometimes as men, its best not to try and understand everything, but merely appreciate the wisdom of women for the divine treasures they really are…
oops sorry people
I havent got there yet.. but does love cause pain?…….but also isn’t the good path full of thorns??
Don’t apologise Naman, you spoke from the heart…yes a mothers love is unique, you are blessed to be able to recognize it and speak so passionatly about her….keep speaking you mind whenever you write..:)
Expectation is the root cause for Misery – When one extends love to another there is a component of expectation, if that is met out, will result in happy ending. If not results in pain…
Falling in Love is so easy,simple and the most beautiful thing to happen……..But forgetting yr loved one is not…..!!!
love is to sacrfice as much as we can and reach to a higher stage in spiritual life.
very true, it’s the fact,we all know but still when we keep ourselves as an individual and then inspite of knowing everything our love starts expecting and demanding, it’s life keeps on moving. I feel when one is in pain then only comes true realization of so many factors. So my idea is love and pain are directly propotional to each other. You cannot rescue from either of it .
“sometimes as men, its best not to try and understand everything, but merely appreciate the wisdom of women for the divine treasures they really are…” Very sweetly put Sanjib!! No more comments!!!
As Sri Sri says, we should not fall in love….rather rise in love…..we are love and our nature is love…………..that’s the reason why we can feel love simultaneously for several people at a time…Love should have the capacity to transcend us beyond……………and not look out to possess or cling onto. If we love, it is to give……………..the taking will happen automatically. But as Sanjib points out, our EGO comes in the way. Therefore, a Master can guide you there as well………When you have a Master in your life, your love is more rich and you want to love more….:)
I have experienced that…………….so whatever i am saying is from personal experiences……Make Love a medium for you to reach out to……….it’s more fulfilling and satisfying….a few of you may ask then what about the physical aspect of love……well when there is love, the physical aspect follows automatically because it is the way of expressing your love…it’s only natural…..like the saying goes “if you love something/someone then set it free. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours, if it doesn’t, then it never was yours”.
Will write more, if more thoughts flow out”.
love is the vibration we are vibrating at…simply put pure being is smooth like the velverty flow of love that guides all our actions, thoughts and being. It is the responsibility of each to awaken to the flow of love. Sometimes a person or nature or some beauty can awaken this channel and we remove our blocker like the the stopper in the bath, it is safe to flow. Fear however turns this and we close putting our stopper back in place fully or partially. Allowing the flow to move through is is all we can do – the heart feels this and opens and so we are – One.
I should comment here Mrs Kunjal ….. love is always subtle, so there is no sacrifice as such because sacrifice is more of a gross process… its just love…. with deep consciousness & embodiment of love… that particular is spirituality…
love is not sacrifice..cos sacrifice means giving someting when there is not enough to go around……
well whatever came from with in, I shared to you and nothing specific…
Love is irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly…yes,,,though it wants to be unconditional sometimes there is expectation,,here is where Ego plays a role…we need to transcend this thro Yoga and go beyond………
Very well said by Sanjib…Thx
Liked what Ekta said too..“if you love something/someone then set it free. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours, if it doesn’t, then it never was yours”.
The insight into love and ego was beautiful. Thanks Sanjib.
A little more..to add to all the beautiful expressions of love…
We love to love because it fulfills. We feel the need to feel full because we are under the illusion of not being whole. This false notion is creating the feeling of being seperated from the whole.
The ‘whole’ is the sum totality of all existence; God, who is the source of all creation, the root.
So, in actuality, all our experiences of love has a basis in our love for Him, however we would like to address Him.
The way to transcend the emptiness would be to transfer all our love unto Him….and see Him in all that we love…
When the root is watered, the whole plant gets nourished. When we pour our love unto Him, we are fulfilled.
I like the wordsfrom one of the songs: “Loving may be a mistake but it worth to make it…”
love is ultimate!!!! but when in love we tend to get narrowed and all our attention is focused on our love……we get scared of losing him/her and so get possesive and the end result……….pain.
Love transcends the reason to be…
there is something which connect you and your lover…
its like a meditation when two hearts meet and understand what the pther has to say seeing just the eyes, hearing just his voice, feeling through telepathy..this is love
What makes you forget all the worries when you place your head in your mothers lap…it is love indeed…
Just imagine yourself in the lap of God each moment..and this world will seem a silly thing to you…making you float in the Maya God has created!!!
Perhaps the most true love one can ever experience is love for yourself. Not necessarily your ego, but acknowledging that you are a being…a human being who is in love with being is the ultimate love. Falling in love with another is an entirely ego based reality because you want to possess them. Loving being goes beyond other people to love of the essence of existence. I easily hurt when my lover does not return my love, but when I reflect on being love and loving being then all my hurt simply slips away. What a fleeting thing loving someone else is and what an all encompassing thing falling in love with yourself can be.
love…is like other births…is work of nature.!!! it is true that falling in love can b painful…but it is so beautiful that even we have to suffer pain everyone must experience this .May b it is way of nature to teach other beautiful feelings and emotions that we never able to learn…with love comes d feelings of togetherness..dissolving ourselves…liking n loving someone make us feel their feel..we always wish to know how our partner will think…what is that best we can do to make him feel more loving towards us..what he will like..n we learn so many things just for him..we started liking what he will like we start dressing how he will like n much much more things..so learn to feel jealous we want to possess we want to spend more n more time with him..in hope to know more n more so that we can not only touch d heart but soul of d person we love…
but our expectaions might cause us pain..as we wont get so much intense love in return …so then we learn to feel frustrated irritated depressing.n this wordl may b noone of u may like but it is a thing wen we learn more n more..d pain d hurt we can feel we cud never felt in anyother thing…n this may produce d beautiful verses,ghazals..as ven pain goes beyond d limit it becomes poetry or ghazals..so u see if u have never felt that pain in life how wil u b able to learn so many beautiful things n emotions…n then wen so much of it had happened then in trying to get out of d depression we find d ways…n sometimes being rejected by d worldly people we may find that we shud go to on path of spiritual love n start loving god n instead of one person start loving whole humanity…i dont know much about d bookish knowledge but that is what i feel that LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE….u wil never know how it comes but it comes…feel it love it..each n every part of it is beautiful even d pain…
thanks sanjib..for making us able to convey our feelings n our thoughts also by comenting on d most beautiful most auspicious emotion LOVE…
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Wherever there is attachment, the clinging to the things of the world, you must know that it is all physical attraction between sets of particles of matter – something that attracts two bodies nearer and nearer all the time and, if they cannot get near enough, produces pain; but where there is real love, it does not rest on physical attachment at all. Such lovers may be a thousand miles away from one another, but their love will be all the same; it does not die, and will never produce any painful reaction.